I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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