I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
