I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
