i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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