I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
