So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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