is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
