Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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