Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just pee around me
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
