Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
