Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
