Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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