I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I think my moral compass just broke
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
