Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
3 2 1 whiskey
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
