i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
