he shaved USA in his pubs
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
