This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
