just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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