Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
