dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
