you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
