she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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