Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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