Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
