I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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