I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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