I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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