So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I haven't been this sober since birth.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
