i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
