so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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