I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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