i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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