Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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