You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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