all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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