I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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