You don't have asthma, your pregnant
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
