he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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