Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize