Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
