You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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