When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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