I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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