I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
