How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
