I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
