Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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