I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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