I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
