i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
