She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
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