Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
