what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
