WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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