He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
