the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize