my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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