Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
