In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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