My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
