i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
