Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
