They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
