Got a toothbrush?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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