I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
