youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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