im having a threesome with these popsicles
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
