You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
