goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I think i got beer on your cat.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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