i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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