whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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